This Might Be TMI: How a Doctor Made Me Feel Like a Giant Whore

So if you actually know me, you have probably have heard me bitch about how I always get the weirdest illnesses.  I don't really get common colds or the flu... but I do get things likes inflamed lung tissue and upper respiratory infections. My current affliction is no different...

I have a staff infection on my skin.... everywhere that I shave. I am not contagious, it is not deadly, just ugly and itchy.

 Well the first time I went to the doctor, they gave me antibiotics and told me not to shave for a week. The pills did not work. Perhaps it was my fault, maybe because I sucked at taking them on time or maybe because I did not stop drinking, who knows. I do know this, one week later I was still itchy, the only difference was that I was hairy and annoyed.

So Tuesday I went back to the doctor to finally get this ugly rash off my knees. I get into the office and they ask me the normal whirlwind of questions. 

"Do you smoke?"

"No"

"Are you pregnant?"

"No"

"Is anyone hurting you?"

"No"

"Do you drink?"

"Yes"

"How much?"

"I don't know? A couple of drinks a week?"

"More than 3 on any given night?"

"Uhhh...I guess sometimes?"

"Are you aware of binge drinking?"

"Yes...."

Well that goes on for a while...  After the questions are done, I feel like a grade A shit bag and an alcoholic. Anyway the next step is me stripping down to my undies so that the doctor can look at my gross ass rash first hand. 

What happens next requires some back story. I look like a walking abuse case right now. I am one clumsy motherfucker. I can barely walk around my apartment with out running into a wall, or my couch, or a table, or anything else that it is physically possible to crash into.... So between how often I run into things, fall down drunk (currently I have little skin on my left knee because I feel off the stripper pole at Sneaky Pete's), and have my cat walk over my chest I am covered head to toe in bruises. 

This is the pole that stole all of my skin

So anyway, I stripped down. Because the rash is on both my knee and my underarms, I had to see the doctor in just my panties and bra. With that much skin showing, it was pretty apparent that I am covered in bruises.  The doctor took one look at me, and quickly asked once more, "Are you sure no one is hurting you sexually? Do you feel safe?"

I tried my hardest to express that I am great and that my only problem is that I covered in itchy bumps. So finally we move on to my nasty ass rash. I was just expecting a visual exam or maybe a swab, but I was not that lucky. Suddenly my doctor whips out a black light, and tells me that it will some how help that her figure out what to do.... I can not remember what her reasons why it would help because all I could think was oh shit, this is going to be just like an episode of Room Raiders, only I was going to be the bed....

There are only three times in life that involve black lights. One, you are like 13 and own a black light poster from Spencer's Gifts.

Two, a forensics team is searching for blood.

And three someone is looking for semen. 

As I am not a black light poster or a corpse, this black light test made feel like I was being searched for semen. I knew that there was nothing on me, but still I started to panic....

Let me tell you this, there is nothing in the world that makes you feel more like a dirty whore than standing on a medical examination table while someone runs a black light over your body after being called a lush to your face....

This is my life.