How I Got Saved at the Mall of America and Almost Shot in the Same Weekend

This last weekend was an adventure to say the least. It all started Friday night after work. Friday I got off work at 7, but Lauren (my good friend and ride for the night) got off at 9:30. After we were both off we planned to head to downtown Minneapolis to meet up with a party bus for our friend's birthday. Because of the time constraint I decided to change into my going out dress at the mall. It was a little risque, but I would not say that it was too distasteful. However paired with my dark make up and the fact that I was covered in glitter, I apparently looked like sin incarnate.

So as I was kindly minding my own business, well I was reading a book on pornography and perversion (True Lust), sitting on a bench on the third floor. I noticed a couple walk by, it was a woman dressed in a heavy sweater and large cross necklace and cross earrings and I man that I did not get a very good look at.  The couple was quietly arguing, the man had this head down and was gesturing pretty emphatically. They make it about ten paces away from me when suddenly the man walks over to the railing and looks down to the first floor. The woman on the other hand, turns around, storms up to me and drops to her knees.

This woman puts one hand on my arm, looks me dead in the eye and asks, "Do you think you are going to heaven?"

I was a little taken aback, but I learned long ago that the best course of action was just to agree to everything they say so that they will leave me alone. (Side note: this does not always work, I have been dodging calls from the U of M Mormon church for about the last nine months.)

So I say, "Yes I do believe I will."

She asks, "Why do you think that?"

Fuck, now I have to make up some reason about why I am getting through those pearly gates. I should mention that I have atheist parents and when I saw Jesus Christ Superstar last year I had to ask my grandma to tell me who Judas was, because I was under the impression that Judas was the one that stabbe Jesus....  (If Lauren ever reads this I am sure that will kill her).

"Because I am a good person who does charity work, give change to the homeless, and I always try to stand up for people who can't stand up for themselves."

She looks me square in the eyes, shakes her head and responds with, "None of that matters."

WTF, me being a good person does not matter? Okay loony mc-touch-my-arm-a-lot, then what does?

"Really?"

"Yes, the only thing that matters is that you accept Jesus in to your heart as your Lord and Savior. Nothing else but that matters. Have you accepted him?"

"I am not sure." At this point the woman is starting to freak me out with her death grip on my arm and her awkward amount of non-blinking eye contact. I shift my gaze to her partner who is still standing about five feet away, I can tell that his face is beat red and he looks like he would rather jump off the third floor railing than listen to his partner try to save me any longer.

"Well you need to. If you die tonight and have not accepted him you will go to hell. Pray with me we can accept him right now."

"I am sorry, I am not really comfortable with that. Sorry."

"Do you mind if I pray for you?"

"Uh... sure."

At this point she whips out a pamphlet and starts reading a prayer from it. And by prayer, I mean total propaganda, because the few times I have been to churches, this is not what the prayers sounded like even a little.

After she finished up, she gave me the pamphlet, and went about her merry way looking pretty confident that she had put me on the path to salvation.

I have in fact now heard the good news.

Now on to the second part of my weekend. Saturday night I went out for a girls night with Lauren, Sherry, and Rin. We hit downtown a little late, probably about 11:45 p.m. Also, it was Monster Club Crawl that night so downtown was packed! (I did develop a new favorite game that night though. I call it "Hipster or Costume?") 

 We look tough don't we?

Due to the fact it was jam packed downtown we parked in a different lot than we normally do. It was right next to the Central Library and a little more sketchy than or normal spot. This was not really a problem at 11:45, however when we were returning to our car at about 2 a.m. shit got real. 

On the way back to the car, we turned down the alley to get in to the lot. We made it about 20 feet down the alley when we noticed that two guys were full out running out of the alley way pretty much screaming. About another 40 feet down from us, right at the doorway to the parking garage, another guy just whipped a gun out of the pocket of his large sweatshirt. 

"Run you punk ass bitches," he shouted as he wildly brandished his gun about.

Now doesn't that sound like a line out of cheesy detective novel or a shitty Lifetime Movie? But I am not fucking kidding when I say this is my life. Thank god I was in charge of my full mental facilities. We all stopped walking and I commanded that we turn the fuck around. 

As soon as we got out of the alley we flagged down a cop car and tried to tell them that someone like 60 feet away from where were standing had a gun. But for the most part we were not taken super seriously.  The cop just kept asking, "What did he look like?"

I don't fucking know, like he had a goddamn gun. I did not take a picture. We got our asses out of their as fast as possible. So anyway we walked up the drive up ramp to our car. As we were leaving we saw flashing lights and heard a manic scream. Lesson learned, do not park there and leave  before 2:30 am.

This is my life.

I have been Saved and almost shot. Here's to next weekend.