Rant About the Bus...There is No Hiding What This is

So at 23, I probably should know how to drive. Whenever I tell people that I don't drive, they assume I just do not have a car... not the case. Some how I just managed to skip that crucial stepping stone for American teenagers at age 16.

I spent some of this past summer practicing my skillz, but I still am not legal behind a wheel, so I am stuck to my old ways. Now there are a few options for those of use who are vehicularly challenged, they include and are almost limited to:
1) Walking (which was wonderful in college, but it is as handy as a match under water in the 'burbs)
2) Public transit (This is me)
3) Beings that annoying person who always uses friends for rides (I try not to be this person, but sometimes still am. Sorry)
4) Biking.  (Nope. Never again. When I was about 14 I ended up doing a 40 mile ride for charity. I swore that day I would never again get on a bike and so far I have kept pretty good on my promise.)

Good old Bussy 

About 98% I ride the bus and the train without incident, but that leaves the two percent of the time where shit hits the fan. It's these moments that make me contemplate becoming an agoraphobic or, you know getting my license. Since high school I have been riding around the Minneapolis area. The following are a few of the many encounters that have happened to me in the last 4 years.

 I remember the first time I ever had an incident on the bus. I was 18, and waiting in the Midway Center in St. Paul trying to catch the 21 downtown to go to a Roller Derby match. It was January and cold enough that you didn't want to spit for fear it would freeze on your lips. When the 21 finally approached my stop, my friend and climbed on and took the first seats available.

Unfortunately, not everyone wanted to get out of the cold for a peaceful ride. Four teenagers ran to the back of bus and kicked the everliving shit out of some guy sitting there. At first I couldn't believe it was happening, but what was more shocking than the actual attack was the lack of empathy from the other riders and the driver. Most didn't bother to look up or when they did, they quickly went back to whatever they were doing. The driver didn't say anything until the guy was bleeding everywhere.

Finally, someone called the cops. The kids ran out of the back door of the bus, hopped in a car and quickly drove away. The rest of us had to get back out of the bus and wait for the cops to take our statements. This should have been my first clue that the bus was not for me...

Luckily it seemed like an isolated incident of violence. The only other physical fight I have witnessed on public transit, was years later on the light rail.It would have been scary, except it felt a little like a B movie copy of West Side Story.

I had just gotten off of work at the Mall of America and was taking the train home. I was running late and just managed to slide into the last car before it pulled out. It was a little like the fucking Twilight Zone.

Some how I had walked in to party in full swing. The people all knew each other and were drunk, even though they appeared to be about 13. I knew that this was not going to be fun. The asshole in front of me had his free flip phone from Verizon cranked up to full blast. Some sort of shity beat was being played, and it sounded as if he had recorded it by holding the phone near a boombox rather than actually put an mp3 or even a ringtone on there... Either way he played this same looping beat (though to be honest, it may have been more than one, but between the crackles it was hard to tell) the entire 45 minute train ride.

To add to the festivities there were $.99 bags of chips and Gatorade being passed around. The air was pungent with the scent of Hot Cheetos and Lay's BBQ chips. The kids yelled, swung from bars, and ate chips like there was no tomorrow. It was loud, but I tried to read my book and ignore it.  But then one of the guys must have dissed a girl.

Before I knew it, they were screaming and screeching, puffing up chests, and shoving each other. Then one of them, who I wall call Gorilla, whipped out a knife.

Gorilla: How are you going to say that bro?

Small Guy: What? You a bitch.

Girl One to Gorilla : Forget him!

Gorilla: Ho shut up!

From the best I could decipher, the small guy had insinuated that the girl was sleeping with everyone. This pissed off the giant gorilla looking guy, who whipped out a knife. The friends of each guy respectively lined up behind them and stood there jeering. No one got stabbed, but I did get to hear a lot of shit talking for the next ten minutes before they all got off. The entire time I sat there, I contemplated snapping my fingers, but it seemed like overkill.

Picture this will less choreography and more Hot Cheetos.

Beyond the scuffles, there have been a number of weirdos that I ran into on an almost daily basis. Here are a few of the most memorable.

If you look closely you will see that this fine gentleman of the Metrotransit, is cutting his fingernails. I snapped this picture on the Light Rail. He started with just his fingers. Clipping each one and tossing it on to the floor as if it were his own disgusting house, but then he moved on to his TOENAILS! Yep!! He popped up his mandles to clip of each toe nail after carefully inspecting it. The best part is that no one besides myself seem to think this was strange.

This fine drunk feller decided that he wanted to hit on every girl that was on the train. By the time he reached this batch, he has perfected his moves, well almost. His plan of attack was to yell at them, "If I can do ten pull ups and one back flip, you have to buy me a beer!". For a moment it seemed like he might make it, but alas the train turned and he landed flat on his face. No free beer for you tonight good sir.

This bro is wearing an equalizer shirt. You know, that shirt that you can buy at a mall kiosk for about $10 after you attempt to walk a way a few times to work the guy down form his initial price of  $50. Well in the picture it seems like he is talking on the phone, but it reality he is playing music near his shirt so that everyone else on the train can be jealous of his sweet new tee. Dream on loser.

Sadly the last patron of the bus I want to talk about, I do not have a photo of, but he was the most memorable. Last spring as I was heading home from work it had been a shit day, but my train ride went without incident. All I had to do was take a 7 minute ride on the 3 and I was home free. The bus was packed but I found a seat near the front. It was one of those seats that face the aisle rather than forward, this is key.

Just like these ones

I noticed that across from me there was a college kid like myself, and what appeared to be a sleeping hobo. Eventually  the hobo's head slipped down so that he was sleeping on the kid. The kid looked freaked out. He was trying to move the guy off of his shoulder, but to no avail. Eventually he took to shaking him. At this moment the guy woke up, jerked forward and threw up all over my legs. Yes I was covered in hobo vomit, and the worse part of it was the guy just wiped his mouth and then went right back to sleep. 

I hate the bus sometimes.